mental illness or amnesia?

At 11, I was diagnosed with anorexia and at 20, it was anxiety. Then depression. Then a million years later...BPD, and then Bipolar 1. I have been in and out of hospitals for either suicidal ideation or mania/psychosis.

I was raised atheist and had my first spiritual breakthrough in 2019 when I realized that everything I’d been feeling that was missing from my life was actually real.. that magic truly exists and that there was so much more to this life than what existed on this physical plane. It was actually Eckhart Tolle’s ‘The Power of Now’ that first blew my mind. It opened me up to a world of hope, enchantment and a longing for a deep calling from my ancestors… a calling to search deep inside myself to discover the truth of my soul and to share that truth with others. After several years of heartbreaking and cathartic searching, I’ve realized that above all, my calling is to help shatter the constructs we have built around the complexities of consciousness and the self, and to expose the truth of this thing we’ve learned to call “mental illness.” 

Essentially, WTF IS MENTAL ILLNESS AND WHY IS IT A THING.

Back in the day, ‘insane asylums’ were built to hide away (initially women) from society and silence them because the people in power were scared by these mystical energies that were unknown to them. It threatened them, and essentially, the emergence of capitalism. They, like many other oppressed groups throughout history, were labeled as dangerous and therefore, unfit to live freely within society. One thing these people were right about was the truth of these powers. Which is scary. If you don’t understand it. But what they didn’t realize was that the thing they were most scared of wasn’t the others, it was themselves. These marginalized people had something most didn’t: a knowingness of themselves. Unfortunately, it should never have been this way. Knowing oneself is a gift that all of us have - it is our birth rite. Yet some of us have no idea (yet) how to unwrap it.

Since the early days, indigenous peoples understood themselves and their relationship to source - to nature - to flow - to the oneness of it all. And with that understanding, they lived in harmony. They embraced a form of life that transcends what most of us today would call fantasy or science fiction. This used to be all of us. But unfortunately, at some point we began to forget ourselves and become entranced by this thing called comparison..leading to misunderstanding..leading to separation. It was no one’s fault but it just happened. Things happen as a collective. And if we can collectively fall apart, then shouldn't we be able to collectively find our way back together?

I believe that when language was born, it was in response to these reasons. Not for coming back together, but for coming apart. You can’t compare one from the other without duality in self rather than duality as a whole. Yes, duality is just as important as oneness but we ride the waves of duality together, embracing our individuality in harmony. When one separates, there becomes duality in source. And I know this statement might be bold, but I believe that verbal language was colossal in causing this shift. By pushing source away, it created a tsunami effect and allowed for the birth of separation in not only the physical realm but also the spiritual. We have forgotten our way. We have forgotten that the most loving way to communicate isn’t through words. In fact, words are what get us into the most trouble. Different interpretations of the same words can foster hate. When in fact, 'hate' is just another word for misunderstanding. Just look at the Bible, for one, and you can see all the pain and suffering caused by different interpretations of the same texts.

There are still many people today who live in a world of collective understanding - communities who live in harmony with all there is and who speak the most beautiful words without a language at all - but through music of the heart. Love is knowing yourself. And it is something we all have inside of us. But we’ve just forgotten. Like a wave of mass amnesia. I believe that, as Eckhart says, this truly is the collective awakening. And I believe that the place to start is re-indoctrinating this indoctrination called psychiatry.

After my lifetime of mental illness (I'm 29), I’ve only just realized over the past several years that what was wrong with me wasn’t a deficiency in sanity..but a proficiency in open-heartedness. There is nothing wrong with me. In fact, I have a gift. Yes, that same gift that we all have buried deep, but a gift that allowed me the ability to explore other realms. Realms of…well words just wouldn’t do it justice.

When I would be hurried off to the hospital for psychosis or mania, I know now that what I was experiencing was actually transcendence - love - REALITY. Not INSANITY. 

Seeing other ‘patients’ at the hospital broke my heart as I realized that these people - these beautiful people with big hearts - had access to themselves in a way that others didn’t (even if they didn’t yet realize it). Their gifts were potent. Powerful. And they were stuffed away, drugged up, and told that they’d never be able to function in society. Well one thing was right, they wouldn’t be able to operate in THIS society (if they were truly being themselves). Essentially, we’re taught not to be ourselves since the idea of trusting in something unseen is terrifying. Hey, I get it. Things that are foreign to us are scary! Not having control is scary! But the only way to fix this gridlock and breakthrough is through mutual understanding - compassion. These people (myself included) deserve the right to flourish. Which means living in a society where we encourage each other to trust ourselves. To trust the unknown. Which is terrifying on your own..but together - well hey, that’s not too bad! We don’t vilify the actors in the system. We cradle them gently as we re-educate. We REMEMBER what we already know to be true..however deep down we may be digging. 

And then suddenly, BPD becomes a longing for togetherness. And MPD becomes a cacophony of spirit. And Bipolar becomes a chaotic dance across the cosmos. And schizophrenia becomes the source unknown. And then, lo and behold, anxiety and depression become fear of losing the one most precious thing - the same thing that it all comes back to: LOVE. 

But here’s the kicker. The real jewel here isn’t love. The jewel is actually what we fear most: fear. Once we experience true fear, then we know we are in love. Because what is the greatest fear of all? 

The fear of losing love. 

Ahh, fear. What a beautiful, beautiful thing. 

Hmmm, maybe embracing it is a great place to start...?